Shortly after finishing my post last week about wigs for bald babies, I came across this piece in the Huffington Post by David Vienna, who originally published it on his site The Daddy Complex. It is especially funny to me, and poignant, because I was a nervous wreck about so many things when my daughter was small. Here you go:
I know many people want to stay current with the latest parenting trends — attachment parenting, minimalist parenting, Tiger Mother parenting, et al. Well, I’ve stumbled upon a new technique that will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen. It’s called CTFD, which stands for “Calm The F*ck Down.” And that’s not a message to give your kids. It’s for you.
Using CTFD assures you that — whichever way you choose to parent — your child will be fine (as long as you don’t abuse them, of course). To see it in action, here are some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed:
- Worried your friend’s child has mastered the alphabet quicker than your child? Calm the f*ck down.
- Scared you’re not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? Calm the f*ck down.
- Concerned that you’re not the type of parent you thought you’d be? Calm the f*ck down.
- Upset that your child doesn’t show interest in certain areas of learning? Calm the f*ck down.
- Stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Calm the f*ck down.
Yes, using the CTFD method, you’ll find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they’ve yet to master the alphabet. You’ll also learn that whether or not you’re the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they’ll think you are and that’s what matters. Plus, CTFD makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like pseudoscientists and parenting authors.
To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:
- Calm the f*ck down.
- There is no second step.
So, ignore all those other parenting trends and stick to CTFD. You’ll be glad you did and so will your kid.