Month: July 2013

CTFD: a revolutionary parenting method

worried momShortly after finishing my post last week about wigs for bald babies, I came across this piece in the Huffington Post by David Vienna, who originally published it on his site The Daddy Complex. It is especially funny to me, and poignant, because I was a nervous wreck about so many things when my daughter was small. Here you go:

I know many people want to stay current with the latest parenting trends — attachment parenting, minimalist parenting, Tiger Mother parenting, et al. Well, I’ve stumbled upon a new technique that will guarantee your child grows up to be an exemplary student and citizen. It’s called CTFD, which stands for “Calm The F*ck Down.” And that’s not a message to give your kids. It’s for you.

Using CTFD assures you that — whichever way you choose to parent — your child will be fine (as long as you don’t abuse them, of course). To see it in action, here are some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed:

  • Worried your friend’s child has mastered the alphabet quicker than your child? Calm the f*ck down.
  • Scared you’re not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? Calm the f*ck down.
  • Concerned that you’re not the type of parent you thought you’d be? Calm the f*ck down.
  • Upset that your child doesn’t show interest in certain areas of learning? Calm the f*ck down.
  • Stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Calm the f*ck down.

Yes, using the CTFD method, you’ll find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they’ve yet to master the alphabet. You’ll also learn that whether or not you’re the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they’ll think you are and that’s what matters. Plus, CTFD makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like pseudoscientists and parenting authors.

To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:

  1. Calm the f*ck down.
  2. There is no second step.

So, ignore all those other parenting trends and stick to CTFD. You’ll be glad you did and so will your kid.

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A cure for b-a-b-y baldness

bald babyAshamed of going out in public with your bald baby? Fed up with strangers mistaking your Jane for a John? Tired of other moms and dads whispering about you at your weekly Gymboree class? Now, there’s a cure for the suffering you’ve been made to endure: Baby Bangs.

Yes, your little skin head will do the whole family proud when she dons a “combination hair/headband miniature hairpiece” made with all natural Monofiber Kanekalon. “Exquisite and simply gorgeous,” these kiddie wigs are “the perfect choice for casual or dressy occasions” and are “sure to grab comments from family, friends and even strangers!”

And, why wait any longer than you have to for your little bundle to begin feeling unworthy? It’s never too soon to start whittling away at her fragile sense of self, I say.

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How do you spell nefarious?

jihawg - ammoLast November, I wrote about Holy Smoke, an Alabama-based company that will take the ashes of a deceased gun enthusiast, load shotgun shells with the powdery stuff, and ship a box of the corpse-filled ammo back to the grieving family.

At the time, it appeared to be one of the nuttier businesses around, but at least there seemed a certain good will at the center of the idea. Recently, though, I read an article about a company in Idaho that sells ammunition covered in “pork-infused paint,” and I found myself longing for the sophomorism of the fellas at Holy Smoke.

Designed to “keep a Muslim who’s shot with one of [them] from entering paradise,” these bullets are the brain children of the addlepates at South Fork Industries, which caters to “patriots” who would like to “build a wall of protection and peaceful deterrence to the growing threat of radical Islam and its culture of world dominance.”

I don’t wish to give these hate-mongers any more attention than they have already garnered, but I did want to mention that there is a petition circulating on the Internet calling on the Governor of the state to shut these hooligans down. Thank God free speech cuts both ways.

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